Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A watery dream

I am walking with a friend, purposefully through what looks like an African or central american village. The road surface is red dirt, but really it is more like a wide path bisecting the village. We're walking towards a wooded path just a few dozen meters away from the village center. As we walk we pass between two fenced-in tennis courts. On each there are teams of men playing a game that looks similar to football, but with a ball that is larger and oddly shaped. One of their balls flies over the high fence towards us and ends up in a ditch which is full of what looks and smells limke raw sewage. the friend I am with jumps into the cesspool nimbly to retreive the ball and, suddenly as if I am familiar with it, I realize that the men are playing a game that involves passing some sort of manure covered object among themselves.

My friend and I continue onto the forest trail and almost immediately, within a few metres come to a bend from which there is a view over a pacific sound from a height of hundreds of meters. While our intent was to hike down to the ocean, we see that the ocean level is only feet away from us meaning that the oceans have risen hundreds of meters. The water in the ocean is flowing violently and is filled with debris, including what looks like ice.

We have somehow crossed the water to a village which was on a peak that has not been submerged. The buildings have been ravaged to some degree even though they are above water; it seems that people have vacated. Across the water looming above us is the landmass that we came from, which rises out of the water steeply forming a long ridge hundreds of meters above the water which is heavily treed.

We explore the buildings briefly, looking for something or someone though I am not sure what or whom. Suddenly we have a mission which involves a long hike from where we currently are, over the high cliffs across the water and to a destination beyon; That destination is Jerusalem. I realize that it is late in the day, rather than early and that perhaps we will not make it to Jerusalem that day.

We are at our destination which is located on an immense flat plain of either snow or salt. Hills ring this place but far in teh distance beyond the plain. I have the sensation that I am either flying, or observing from the air the ocean high in the arctic. I see an iceberg floating in a northern sea with cars on it, which is evidence of the devastation that the flood has brought.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

a few months of dreams!

Exam Castle:
I am writing an exam in castle or manor house perhaps. I have to use the bathroom and make my way to the basement. I am unable to find my way back but have the distinct sense that I squandered my time so far and will have to really focus when I return to the exam. I am lost but am now outside the castle in a lush field and can see the room I need to get back to on the second or third floor. I ask a person who is next to me how to get to the room as the house is surrounded by a high brick wall with a ravenous dog on the other side. They tell me to go over the wall and jump directly onto a set of stairs over the wall. I run and jump an easily clear the 15 ft wall, and over the grass strip with the dog onto the set of stair. The dog follows but goes too far over the stairs.

Smart Gas:
trying to park smart car, decide I want gas and get stuck between posts on a side walk as I clamour for a spot in gasoline line

Jersey Visit:
Room in an apartment in another city (spanish?) - people from Jersey shore are talking about plans they need to make and all sorts of folly. They're my friends and are trying to convince me to be on the next show.

90210 uh oh:
My Mom suggestively introduces me to a Hollywood starlet at a hotel check in desk. She asked me out. I end up back at her Hollywood mansion and after a tour try to leave to play it cool. I end up staying and meet her sister who tells me that "she's 40% taken". Her boyfriend also shows up. Things get awkward aas it becomes apparent that these people are all strange

Airport insight:
I'm in a large room waiting in a crowd - I am not sure what for. The crowd thins and I make my way to an airline check in desk which is more like a foreign money exchange desk - a plexiglass divider and a small hole for conversation. An airline employee shows up next to me and starts being extremely rude, saying things that are both cruel and oddly insightful. I am offended but she's right.

I am lounging outside a hotel on a chair in a landscape that looks like Miami, and with an emptiness that is similar to a video game landscape - it seems to me all the buildings around me are vacant and I am one of few people in this place. A UFO flies towards me along the water line and I try to take a picture on my blackberry but the software is too slow. Luckily another comes, but I have the same issue. This happens 4 or 5 times before one of the UFOs crash. I run to it, and see the crashed UFO on the ground broken open. It is the size of a large trucks wheel, and the top is open to reveal a small iguana sized alien lying still. It looks like the alien from 'Alien' and I remember thinking that the similarity is too much to be coincidence and that this must not be first contact. I move away (no idea why) after taking pictures and call the police. I am now a long way from the crash site and I have trouble making my way back through the crowds. I have the distinct feeling that I should capitalize on having pictures and sell them, but also that if I am discovered to have these pictures that perhaps I will be detained by government agents.
it is now later and I arrive in a bus full of other people at the end of a dirt road on the shore of a lake. I am telling a friend about the aliens and as i am trying to describe the ship another UFO crashes in the lake in front of us - it makes the explanation a lot easier. Two more UFOs show up to recover the crashed one.

Filthy washroom, red and blue tile, soaking wet everywhere surrounded by people showering. It seems like it's a locker room...

Flickers of train:
A few underground train dreams - feature short, airport like autonomous train cars on immaculate concrete tracks. Something about missing a train or trying to reverse my path leads to me being on the concrete tracks at a complex junction. The space that the trains are in is clean and cavernous with a lot of space all around. The tracks are indistinguishable from the platform

Japanese Adventure:
I'm driving very fast on an empty urban road. I know I am in Tokyo though it looks nothing like typical pictures of Tokyo. There are road signs all over the place that I can not understand. I am not sure if I'm driving or being driven. I have the distinct impression that I need get to somewhere specific in order to meet someone, but realize that without directions or the ability to read the signs that this will be a challenge. I am casually confident that I will find my way because I have the sense I am headed in the right direction. All at once I am trying to exit a parking garage. As I approach the cashier booth I am unable to stop the vehicle I am in (which is now a van) because I can not reach the brake pedal. I speed past the booth through the gate which is open. The space I am going through is very tight as is any exit to a garage, except that it's not actually an exit but leads to yet another cashier lane after the one I went through. This one is staggered to the side of the first and is part of a row of booths, so that if I had gone left or right I would have arrived at another booth. I am still unable to brake and keep filtering through booths. It seems that if these booths could be viewed from the air that they would form a river delta like formation of cashier booths.
I am now past the booths and on foot in what is an amusement park. The park is contained within high walls of 40 ft or so. The ground is strewn with garbage and the landscape looks as if it is from a post-apocalyptic vision of the future. The walls surrounding the park look as if they are remnants of past buildings that have been left after ruin. I see a climbing structure mounted high along a wall and play on it. I easily lift myself high above the ground. The structure simultaneously looks like simple scaffolding left behind for some other purpose and some sort of purposeful climbing structure; it's painted blue and red with shiny paint. I go to a corner where there is a stand of shanties selling trinkets and simple food such as Chinese stir fry.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Mornings with Dasher...

I wish this was more fiction than fact....

Most mornings, when we shared a bed, I awoke with Dasher’s ass in my face. We’d usually start the night side by side, nose to nose, or perhaps he’d lie on his back enjoying the contrast to being on four legs all day. We were master and dog in a state of shared relaxation, sinking into slumber side by side reflecting on the activities of the day and thankful for the deep trust we shared. I’m not sure what would happen overnight, but whatever the cause, he’d shift 180 degrees eventually through adjustments and contortions and eventually - invariably - end up facing my feet. As I stirred in the mornings (in an active way that let him know I was actually awake as opposed to just restless) his tail would start to wag, and because of his orientation, it would sweep across my face in broad strokes. This added the injury to the insult of waking up facing a dogs ass, though it was hardly the worst part. Dash would rise in the wake of the tail lashing, standing high above me on the bed where I’d lay still reeling from the rude awakening and after he'd turned to face me, looking down with his droopy ears and long tongue dangling in my direction, he’d move towards the edge of the bed and the door. Stepping down with his front paws to the floor below, Dash would stop and ponder the brisk morning air. As he did so he'd slide his front paws along the wooden floor stretching his limber legs as he squatted slightly in the rear, bending his hind legs, and raising his tail high into the air. The combination of stretch, strain and squat on his limber k9 frame never failed to produce a violent flatulation, rocking the air between me and him with almost visible ripples of foul odour. I’d curse and bark a complaint at him, and as if to say “fuck you, for not letting me out last night when I had to pee” he’d look back at me with an indifferent glance that had insolence written all over it. The delicate balance of power had once again shifted in his direction, and another day started anew.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

A walk in the woods

Fiction inspired by a phrase (and notable as my first complete piece of fiction in perhaps a year)....

I turned a gold nugget into dust.

I didn't mean to, and I wish I had been able to predict the inconceivable outcome. I came by the nugget innocently enough one day while walking through a winding and damp forest. I had inexplicably chosen a decrepit pair of tattered boat shoes over my gum-boots that morning, I think because I did not expect to be wandering through the forest. I probably thought - no, I definitely thought - that I was just going to pop into the back yard for a bit of weeding. Regardless, I somehow ended up wandering and because the weather had recently turned from damp and cold, to the light and clean brightness of spring, I just kept walking. Had I reflected on the recent weather change it may have struck me that the forest, which being slightly enchanted is lush in a way that one might expect to see in an animated fairy tale, would still be damp due a dearth of sunlight penetrating its sparkling canopy.

Sure enough, after enjoying 56 kilometers of winding trail, I found myself waist deep in a peanut buttery stew of molten silver. On any other day I may have chosen to collect some of the molten silver in my satchel so that I could fashion some toothbrushes upon my return home, but today was Thursday, and Thursday is no day for silver collection. Lest anyone be concerned for my safety - what with wading through the molten silver -let me assure you that the silver allergy I suffered as a child, has almost completely cleared. Interestingly however, had it not been for the sniffles I was suffering as a result of the vestiges of this once traumatic allergy, I never would have reached high above my head to retrieve the leaf I had intended to use as a handkerchief. It was only in looking up to do so that I locked eyes with the leprechaun sitting on a branch well above my head. Naturally the shock he felt at being discovered perturbed him deeply. After all, it would not be every day that a mildly silver allergic, flightless dragon wading knee deep in molten silver would be making his way through a slightly enchanted forest on a whim. The shock seemed to trigger a some visceral response in his loins because, in his startled state, he jumped a little bit. Now, had he not been inspecting the nugget of gold in his hand with a jewelers monocle I doubt that anything dramatic would have happened. I likely would have carried on wading in mild delight at having seen a leprechaun, while he would have likely counted himself lucky that I was flightless, mildly silver allergic and simply out for a stroll. But as it was, because he was precariously balanced on such a small branch, so high in the tree, the start caused him to dislodge his tiny rump and to start to roll forward. Naturally, seeing his inevitable trajectory leading directly to my position I fully intended to capitalize on the situation, and thus opened my mouth wide in anticipation of a small but very delicious snack. Seeing this, he was clearly now desperately out of sorts, and already starting his tumble he released the nugget from his hands in order to free them and allow him to grip the branch on which he had been perched.

I suppose in my old age I simply was no longer prepared to deal with the excitement of those sorts of situations, or perhaps it was a strange and unexpected manifestation of my mild silver allergy, because it was right at this moment that I experienced a fiery flare of heartburn. Needless to say, I belched a geyser of fire high into the air which immediately incinerated both the falling gold, and the leprechaun, not to mention a good portion of quite a beautiful tree.

I suppose it would have been more accurate to start this tale by saying that I turned a gold nugget and a leprechaun into dust.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bank Dream

From the outside, the bank in front of me looks like black cube standing on its own in an open space. Strangely My surroundings have the same visual consistency of an architectural drawing. Most of the space in front of me is completely white with only vague pastel lines defining dimensions and features such as distant buildings, and street curbs. The bank itself also appears crudely drawn but is distinct, as if it was the focal point of the drawing I am in. at some point I am placed in the bank, observing someone else but from a first person perspective. At once I am entirely aware that I (not myself, but the character who I am) am part of a serious incident, and that I have been coerced into participating complicitly in a heist of some sort. At this point I betray the plan and notify a security guard. I now have the sense that I was never part of this plan, but was somehow planted undercover into this and am now executing my own well planned subterfuge. As the bank is evacuated I am unable to make it to the door in time and am trapped in the bank and seek shelter. It then becomes clear that the inside of the bank was not the target. I somehow becomes aware, that once the doors were sealed the perpetrators targeted the exterior of the bank leaving all inside unharmed. It's not clear the magnitude of the attack outside, but the implication is that it is severe.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Dreamy weekend

A few dreams over the course of the last 3 nights:

The Barbecue:

I enter a courtyard attached to the house that I am in. The courtyard is lush, surrounded by walls and is magnificently landscaped with river stone and dark woods. Among the stone construction is a very modern but well built barbecue installed into the courtyard with stone all around it. The courtyard looks like it may belong in a very fancy, golf club, or modern mountain lodge. I am grilling chicken skewers and as I try and determine whether they are close to being done, my mother approaches from behind and tarts to comment on how I am cooking. As she suggests some subtlety in the cooking technique in my dream, a (real) giant thunder clap sounds as close to my house as I’ve ever heard one. With my open bedroom window right next to me, and the force of the thunder clap which I can feel rumbling in my chest I bolt awake with a very clear notion that something enormous has exploded extremely close to me. At that moment I am not clear if it’s in my dream or in real life.


The Hot Tub:

With two other friends I have broken into (or rather entered without authorization) an unknown persons condo, in order to use their hot tub. The condo is a luxury corner unit perhaps 20 stories up with vaulted ceilings and floor to ceiling windows on two walls (to the right and straight ahead of the entrance door). The hot tub sits in the left corner by the window straight ahead of the door. The view is magnificent, and even though I know we are in Toronto, we’re looking at a cityscape across a river or bay (perhaps more like Vancouver’s geography than Toronto’s). I catch a glimpse of an award or something similar on the wall indicating to me that the owner is in a familiar industry and think that is a coincidence. We sit enjoying the view at night, and leave the lights off inside the unit. Either on the way out sometime later after an indeterminate amount of time, we meet the owner. They inform us that they returned from their trip a while before we decided to leave and decided not to disturb us and simple go to sleep (the bedroom was next to the entrance door away from the windows. Why they made that decision is unclear. At some point later in the dream I learn that this individual actually works in a business very close to my own and that the likelihood of meeting them again in a professional capacity is very high. I am now forced with trying to explain why I had broken into a strangers place to use their hot tub and remember thinking that the odds of that coincidence are extremely low, but feeling very frustrated that it happened at all.


The Man dog:

I am shopping in an unknown mall with a friend. We both try on some designer clothes and leave the store to play pool on a red table which is in the mall – either in a promenade or an adjacent store. As we play, the red felt on the table opens up and reveals a highly complex multi-layered surface below the rail level of the table – apparently this miniature world (like a pinball machine with multiple layers, and finely finished paraphernalia) is part of the game and does not seem unusual to us as we finish whatever game it has become. Once done I am now with my dog, who has through some odd and magical process (though not odd in the dream), become human. As I recall someone in my dream had shown me some simplistic arm movement which transformed my dog into a human. He had become a roughly 5 ft man, slightly overweight, with a bad goatee and strange clothes; an oversize white golf shirt, and denim shorts that were baggy and past his knees. Essentially the type of person you’d expect to see wearing a gold chain and driving an 84 Impala blasting hip-hop on a Tuesday night in a Midwestern town… Strangely, despite his clothes, he did not have shoes. He was also entirely mute what with being a dog and all. I took him by the hand and we went to a discount department store to get him shoes. I remember watching him trying on various cheap sandals and thinking hat I did not want to spend the money on shoes for him since he really wouldn’t know what a good fit was. I also remember thinking that I had no recollection of what the arm movement was that I used to transform him and if it would work to change him back. At that point I flailed my arms a little to no avail.
I jumped now to a recollection that I had left my clothes that I had changed out of at the store and was concerned that it might be closed. I was now searching the mall all over for the store because I did not want to lose a good pair of jeans that I had worn to the store. The mall was enormous with all sorts of impressive novelty attraction like a themed food court that looks like an amusement park. At this point it was also very busy. I continued through the crowds looking for the entrance through which I had initially come but could not find it. Eventually, outside, I ran into a group of friends; among them the person I played pool with. I expressed my dismay at not being able to switch my clothes bag and they pointed out that the ones I still had on from the store were nicer than those I left behind. I agreed, but shared my dismay about my jeans.


Cars in Europe:

I was driving something small and respectable through what I knew was Europe. The “roads” had tracks in the centre of them similar to the electric toy cars that drive in grooves. I was trying to drive around with a passenger while dodging cars around me but was having trouble getting around. As I drove one-ways changed direction, roads got blocked and directions changed and for some reason I seemed to need to be going at a high rate of speed. One clear memory is a long straight away that seemed like a highway with a very high bank - almost 90 degrees - on the right side of the road despite there not being a turn. The car ahead of me was an Audi sedan and went up the bank and as it approached the top immediately crashed down on it roof.


Friday, July 04, 2008

An exercise in role play.

Genre: Subway guy fiction
Inspiration: NYC

I'm Batshit crazy. People don't know that, they just think it. They assume it. They PREsume it. Exhume it, tume it ploomit!!!!!!

I didn't choose to be here. I didn't say to my mom, "HEY MOM! BE SINGLE! SMOKE CRACK! HATE ME! PROSTITUTE YOURSELF! SHOP AT WALMART! WEAR RAINBOW SOCKS! MAKE ME EAT FOOD FROM A TIN!" Haaahhhahahhahhaaaa. NOT funny. Shit.

Can't read? I DON'T WANT TO READ. It's an angry, twisted, hungry and stupid world. All the time people ask me why I don't get a job. GET A JOB? Where? I once had a park bench ask me to smoke it. And you know what? I DID!

I lit that fucker up! At first I tried to pee on it - my pee was broken. So then I got naked as the day I was born and emptied my bottle on it. My bottle wasn't broken. KABOOOMMM! Worst smoke I ever had.

I wasn't born yesterday. I was born tomorrow!!!!! I'm way ahead of you man. I'm from a world where shirts are made of dirt and shoes are optional. I'm from 3000 asshole. YOU GET A JOB!

Sometimes when I'm warm I can think straight for a few minutes and I begin to understand what people must think of me. I begin to recognize. Theorize, paralyze, pasteurize... TERRORIZE!!!!!!

Smoking that bench made me think, because as my clothes burned things became a little clearer to me: FIRE HURTS!!!! and I could never be a bench dealer - it lied to me, it wasn't a good smoke. NO JOB FOR ME BITCHES!!!!!!! ahahhhahaha.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

This Blog is quickly becoming a dream journal...

A brief snippet from a Luxembourg night:

I am trying to use a device that I know is a washing machine, but which upon reflection is not recognizable. It's a cylindrical device which is smaller than a typical washing machine which has an open top. It is not working. For some reason, I need to jump off of a great height to make it work and I launch myself off what seems like a tower. I have a parachute. by the time i land my location and motivation has changed completely.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I wish I was this creative when awake...


I am on vacation at a ski resort town with my family. I have seen some images, perhaps on television, of the end of the earth, which portray incredible icy cliffs thousands of feet high that fall into an oblivion that is space. I inherently know that this is the most remote place on the earth; so much so that I have the sense that no one has ever been there and that the images have been captured by spacecrafts or satellites. The cliffs aren’t on the earth per se because in this place, the earth ends in an archipelago, as if a long and treacherous finger reaches into space composed entirely on rock and ice. Somehow, in this place, space, sky, and planet are combined into a strange and dramatic formation thousands of kilometers long, and thousands of feet high.

Aside: As I recalled this dream I remembered another in which I have an entirely new image of the planet earth on a map in front of me. Even though I was looking over this map as if it was spread in front of me, the view was more as if I was in a satellite observing the earth. In this vision, the earth is far more massive and sparsely populated – as if there are entire uncharted and unexplored continents on “the other side”. Distances are vast, and the terrain is uncharted save for what can be seen from above. I know innately that this land is far less forgiving then the earth we know.

I forgo skiing to get on a simulator that allows one to observe the end of the earth (as described above) using images that I know are taken from an unmanned drone. It’s one of these simulators where a group of people sit and the entire thing jostles on hydraulic pistons. The experience of this simulation is far more immersive and allows me to feel as if I am flying above the end of the earth. As I experience the simulation I see footprints in the snow atop the massive cliffs and I begin to wonder if the drones that send these images really are unmanned, and suddenly it become unclear weather or not I am still in a simulator or actually there. I feel the snow as I fly by which is wet, and the sky above is clear and bright.

My next memory is of being on a chair lift, which I am sitting on without restraint. I start to shift around wanting to drop the safety bar and am somehow now, hanging onto the chair with only one hand. I am not frightened but realize that this is not a good situation. As I continue to try and situate myself I realize that I am hanging on below the chairlift with one hand and that the safety bar is already down, making climbing up with skis on, insurmountably complicated. At that point the chairlift is only a couple of metres off the ground and so I decide to drop off it, rather than continue to struggle to get back on it. I do so nonchalantly trying to convey to those around me that it is what I had intended all along.

Later I dream that I am driving through what I know is Burbank, California (though it looks different than real life – almost an over-commercialized caricature of itself ) looking for a way to get to the LA airport. I know I should be looking at a map but instead am looking for street signs in heavy traffic. I am having trouble seeing signs around me and realize that it is because I am lying on the back seat of the car (in which I am alone). I see that there is a left hand turn onto the freeway coming up and I try to jump over the seats into the front. I don’t have time and can not brake, but I can reach the wheel and veer away from a car slowing in my lane. I am able to carry through the intersection but the car is not slowing and I can not get over the seats.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

dream dream dream

I remember this one from the ten minutes between hitting snooze and the next time my alarm went off this morning...

I am watching a movie from within the scene, as it unfolds around me. A large crowd is inside a courtroom which is very grand in an antiquated way. All the surroundings are dark wood, but have a weathered look that suggests the room is well used. The configuration of the room is less like a courtroom and more like an old bank, in that there seems to be no judge's stand, and all the people seem to be very close to each other among the various dividers and tables in the room. There is a line of people standing behind a low wooden divider and I have the sense that disappointing verdict is being read – the crowd murmurs in recognition of an upset of some sort. At this point, a well dressed, young looking person who stands out in the crowd makes an announcement. I have the sense that I know what is unfolding at this point, as if I have seen it before, or perhaps know what to expect from a preview, and what unfolds before me is not as clear as my recognition of what it all means. The man has announced that he has chosen to defend the person that has been delivered the upset verdict. Ignorant of what procedures are taking place, and the technical legalities of the proceedings, the net of it is that this person, once in opposition to the defendant, was now switching his loyalties to help him.

The next scene is some kind of ad hoc ceremony that takes place in the courtroom, that serves as a closing scene, and appears to be either to close the proceedings that took place, or to swear in somehow, the young lawyer as the defendant’s council. What is clear is that this closing scene also signifies a ‘new beginning’ and represents a happy ending for the protagonist character (the defendant). This scene was actually remarkably touching for something that happened in my brain. The ceremony involves the reading of the Lord’s Prayer, and the officiate of the ceremony (who is an old, southern, African American man with poor teeth and simple farmers clothes) initiates it while sitting at a desk reading from a book. The defendant is standing a meter in front of the officiate and is now revealed to be a very large, African American man with the mind of a child. His face wears an expression of abject happiness as if he has hope and excitement for the first time in a long time. As the prayer is started the room falls silent as the defendant mouths the words in sync with the officiate speaking them. A feeling that the right thing was done washes over everyone in the room.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

More Dreaming...

A meteorite streaks across the sky high above the compact car that I am driving in. I can see its dramatic, smoky trail as it shoots high above us in the same direction. I point it out to my companion (my wife?). We're driving along a residential street, and because of it's height and speed I assume that it will end up hundreds of kilometers from where we are.

Moments later the iron clump, about the size of a bowling ball, and decidedly lumpier lands on the street just ahead of us with a dull thud and begins to bounce. At his point I am excited and desperate to have the meteorite. It bounces down the street (at a rate much slower than one would expect of an object falling from the sky) and into a yard on the left hand side of the street. I was surprised given the obvious velocity with which the heavenly body was traveling, just how lazily it bounces across the front yards of the houses lining the street.

I watch as the meteorite bounces to a stop, at the last moment hopping a small fence wrapped around an air conditioning unit at the side of a small bungalow. It bugs me that the object is so close to a house because I feel like now picking it up will be stealing from the house owners. My determination causes me to speed across the lawns, following the path of the object, and come skidding to a hand-brake assisted stop on the houses drive-way right next to where the lump ended up. I pop the hatch-back trunk of the small car and look over the small knee-high fencing and see the object in pieces. I expect it to be scalding hot but am singularly focused on scooping up all the pieces as quickly as I am able. For some reason I now seem to be wearing gloves which is a great help given the unproven, but very likely heat of the object.

As I throw pieces into the back of the car my companion says that the house owners are now watching - I look towards the side door, which I am very near to, but see only the dark door masking whoever might be inside. I finish piling the pieces into the car and speed away.


I recall only being in a cement floored retail store with very high metal shelves on either side of me - very warehouse like. The floor is flooded up to knee level and for some reason I think nothing of spitting. An employee sees me do that and makes a face implying intense disapproval. Jump to the same space, now unflooded - I have the sense that its soon afterward. She points to a spot on the floor, seemingly to imply that my spitting resulted in a mess on the floor. I nudge the spot with my foot and discover that it is in fact a piece of garbage and not my spit.

Sunday, March 30, 2008


Rain cleanses and drenches and warms and passes,
Wind blows and forces and throws and clashes
A river drives, and belows and speeds and flows
Life thrives and triumphs, inspires and grows.

People "are", and love and sneeze and live
Lovers meet, and court and cuddle and give
Wisdom flushes and builds, renews and rearranges
Preparing us for inevitable changes.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


Genre: Dark Superhero Fiction
Inspiration: Snow covered trees just out the window

The high winds blew the masked man's cape across his field of vision. Perched in the branches, high above the rocky cliffs below him, The Shepherd knelt surveying the valley below. The light of the full moon accentuated his formidable, sculpted physique and he lamented that there was likely no one secretly appreciating it from a distance. Even if there were a lone wanderer who did happen to be looking up into the branches while walking alone, late at night in a remote wood, the steel gray camouflage of his suit was too perfect to be seen by a mere mortal. It would take a creature, likely devoid of a human soul, but capable of sensing heat signatures to even detect his presence; or perhaps some kind of diabolical mind capable of deploying a hyper-sensitive motion detection system. Regardless, the likelihood of being seen, let alone appreciated for all the hard work he put into his rippling physical construction was nil.
The flapping cape was becoming a frustration, but frankly, would have been a more pressing issue were in not for the nuisance that his Shepherd's Crook was causing him. It was large - over six feet in length, and very inconvenient for someone who favoured a perch in a tree to a pasture. He was beginning once again to second guess his cunning disguise, which was inevitably the result of a slow night. If only someone - perhaps the same hypothetical, diabolical madman with motion sensors - would attack, or even persecute the villagers below, the Shepherd would have to indulge his wandering mind. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Being the village blacksmith by trade, and immediately familiar to most villagers, he had chosen his secret identity based on his deep loathing of shepherds (a direct result of their refusal to shoe their animals, which seemed only natural to the blacksmith given their arduous grazing). It was either that, or capitalize on his hatred of jogging. Regardless of motivations, once he had settled on his identity the crook seemed a natural accoutrement, and was easy enough to fashion. Indeed, there was never a question of appropriateness for his disguise...

Monday, February 04, 2008

My Mind is Racing: A week of dreaming.

A dream:

I'm swimming the open sea not far from a green shore to my left. I have the sense that I am with people not because I can see them, but because someone has convinced me to be here despite what I think is doubt. I am treading water as suddenly a herd of sharks and turtles speed past me in a steady flow of animals. The flow does not stop as I watch the creatures swim past and jump over me at what looks like 30 or 40 kilometers an hour. As the sharks approach me their mouths are often wide open and menacing but none bite, grab or even graze me; the turtles I can see are the ones jumping through the air, often over my head. I am not frightened, but not entirely calm either.
At some point I decide to submerge myself and as I dive deeper I look above me to the light surface superimposed on the sky with the steady stream of creatures speeding by. I turn my attention to the depths which seem as if they are only 10 or 20 feet under the surface judging by how far I've swam, but which also are receiving no sunlight making it cold and unfamiliar. Somehow my gaze is illuminated by some kind of spotlight as if from a submarine in an underwater documentary. On the dark bottom, which is flat and manicured like a golf green I see an illuminated building alone on the bottom of the sea. It's tiny and appears as a decorative porcelain house one might see at Christmas time adorning a diorama, even though in my mind I know it to be a functional building. I recognize it's red brick architecture as belonging to an institution - a university perhaps - and continue swimming. Because of the scale of the building I get the sense that I am either extremely large, or the place I've found is extremely small - I am not sure which. It's at this point, when I start to run out of breath, that I realize I can breath under water (at this point I actually did realize I was dreaming I believe, but did not wake up. I didn't make the mental leap to realize that I could control my dream though). As I slowly swim through the water I make my way up a small rise in the ground -perhaps 10 feet high. I know because of the scale of the building that this must be a huge hill to those who occupy the building, and on its manicured side I see a sign which bears the logo of a university. I am excited to have discovered something that might be long-lost and think nothing of the scale of it.

I have a vague memory of recounting the discovery to someone at a dinner table later in the dream and waking up soon after.

Another dream:

I am in an urban environment which seems to be a deserted town. Despite not having seen them, I know I've been separated from my friends, or perhaps some kind of team that I am a part of. When I am inside I am not in danger, but running between building puts me at risk of being caught by vicious and ravenous kangaroos. I don't see them but know they are there. I have my dog Murray with me and am very concerned for his welfare (in retrospect this seems an awful lot like the movie "I,Legend" which i saw about 2 months ago... odd) . He's generally being obedient and running with me. I find refuge in a deserted house. I then realize that because this place is deserted I have completely open access to explore the abandoned houses. As I explore I find a secret room of sorts... its in the top floor of a house - perhaps in a spire or a tower. It looks like a kids room and is very densely packed with clothes, books, posters etc. It seems like a fun place to be and I feel perfectly safe.

Note: I often dream of exploring secret or obscure passages in old houses. They are almost always very high up in large houses, and are small, carpeted rooms.

Another Dream:

I am in a mountain lodge of some description, not alone. I look across that the lodge is on to see a mountain pass, which green as if it's summer. I somehow become aware that I am expected to go skiing with the people I am with but only have part of the day to do so... I am unsure of weather I should given my time restrictions. they walk across the street to got to the ski hill and I decide to join. I realize after the very short walk, that because I was in such a rush to catch up, that i somehow managed to bring along a spare set of cross-country skiis and what seems like a stack of papers (it is later revealed to be strange contraption I don't recognize - some kind of plastic light box for viewing pictures... it's white). I consider going back to the lodge to return these items but am in a rush. There is some confusion but I quickly end up in what I know is the ski hill base station... It looks like a mall, being very wide and long with tile floor. Knowing that my goal is to find a place to put my superfluous items I manage to stow my cross country skis inside a couch cushion which provides the backrest on a public seat. I then walk a distance, aware of my skiing time running out and somehow end up chatting to someone I know. While sitting on a couch I end up using the picture display machine briefly. I then end up walking the wrong direction trying to stow the machine somewhere, constantly aware that my skiing time is
being diminished.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

A Midwestern Tale

Karen parked her car in the busy lot, applying the parking brake with significant force. It was a mix of both the day’s frustrations and habit and caused the car to make a jarring crunch. It satisfied her need to inflict a jarring crunch on something. She slammed the door behind her for good measure.

She looked back quickly, and pressed the lock button as she walked away from her car. “Perfect”, she thought to herself with a sinister inner smile, as she looking at her red Pontiac Grand Prix occupying a quarter of the space beside the one with the other three quarters of her car in it. It was that type of day.

She galloped across the parking lot intently focused on her target - the Subway, where her husband Barry worked; 70 yards.

Her feet felt heavy, like she had grown hooves, and she found herself deeply resenting the fancy cars that surrounded her in the lot. She positioned her car keys in her fingers strategically and extended her right arm digging the 18 year old metal into the cold steel of Mercedes, then Toyota, then BMW then another Mercedes; 60 Yards.

She was closing in on a woman who with the aid of a walker, seemed to be making her way towards the bus stop. Karen hated public transportation and on any other day might have left her impulses at that, but today was special and she required consequences. No public-transportation-using, walker-needing, frail old bag was going to impede her progress, and so she walked – directly through the woman. The sound of scraping metal nearly drowned out the sound of the woman’s shattering hip, but not so much that Karen missed it. She was flushed with an adrenaline blend of guilt and satisfaction; 45 yards.

Karen thought she might have been frothing at the mouth, but if she was didn’t have time to address it. She was too busy marching forward, assessing the threat of the various people now approaching her with angry and confused faces. Guy with glasses at 9 o’clock, just strapped his kids into the mini-van after food shopping – anyone who does the food shopping with the kids in the middle of the day couldn’t possibly be a threat. 12 o'clock - Middle aged man wearing an expensive leather jacket, carrying a rented video – no threat; he’d be too worried about his hair. Woman, 3 o'clock, 60, hip pouch, smoking, T-shirt saying: “The only Bush I trust is my own” – This one was trouble. 30 yards.

Karen pivoted on her feet turning left and for the first time in 40 yards lifted key from car. Her new path took her on a collision course with Poindexter McGrocery-Shopper; a name she would have called the man if she had taken the time to talk to him. Instead, without the volition to verbalize her feelings, she screamed; a bestial, primal roar, uglier than the most heinous of vomit puddles. Poindexter was clearly affected and slowed his pace. He rethought his collision course, stopped in his tracks and crinkled his face as if to say “What the…?”. And had he said that out loud, would only have gotten that far, because in an instant Karen had reached him. Missing the physical reassurance of her keys causing significant damage she remedied the situation by stabbing him in the forehead with her “The Club” key – a jagged and unnecessarily pointy specimen ideal for stabbing the father of two. The wound, as per her plan, was both conspicuous and disfiguring, while not crippling. He did need to drive his children home after all. Impressing herself with this display of mercy she resolved to walk faster. Poindexter stood incredulous behind her, applying pressure to his forehead. 20 yards.

Now her pursuers were hot on her tail, but Karen was close. Close enough to smell her husband’s insolence… his extreme disregard for all that was precious to her, his uncanny and irrefutable lack of consideration for what she loved, his callous and calculated willingness to dispose of her Franklin mint commemorative plates. A collection, judged to be world class by not just one, but two of the local church collectors guilds. She seethed with rage, as she thought of him last night photographing her collection; “for insurance” he had said. All bets were off when she found the welcome message for his newly registered Ebay ID in the email inbox this morning. She knew. 10 yards.

Karen was running now; from the pursuing masses, among whom the 200 lb (clearly lesbian) democrat looked most intent on bypassing pleasantries and inflicting pain on her, and toward her lying, pathetic and technically retired but only recently re-employed husband of 37 years upon whom she intended to rain a torrent of harm.

Her laser focus zeroed in on the bar across the door and she lunged, pushing it with all her might, intent on her entrance being not only noticeable, but also, with any luck, destructive. The force with which she hit the door and the strength of the safety glass both shocked and impressed the onlookers. 0 yards.

As she regained consciousness she could feel the heat of the “Live at 6” news camera lights and the sting of the cold handcuffs behind her back. Her haggard and lethargic image made her an instant star across the state, if not simply for the damage that had preceded it, then for the red and swollen “lluP” embossed in mirror-reflection on her forehead; a result of her 7 Mph (by conservative estimates) lunge into the etched door handle.

If only the mall security cameras had been good enough to allow both zoom and slow motion, Barry was sure that he could have made more money off the video. As it was though, he’d have to settle for the $1,700 that the Fox producers had paid for his contribution to “Wife-Zillas” – just enough to supplement what he expected to make selling his wife’s collection; He quite liked the plates after all.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Life Lesson

Genre: Fiction
Inspiration: Plush

I cringed when I saw her walking my direction across the Quad. I knew I'd have to answer for the mess I left at her house this morning, not to mention last night - oh shit... last night. Still in recovery mode I felt the very real and prominent symptoms of my hangover intensify as she got closer.

It was a great night, but it only hit me now that I'd have to answer for the things I'd done. Depraved, awkward and strange things. Instinctual things that lurk in the depths of men's souls; things we should never have to answer for. Part of me must have known. We were 7 months into a 2 year program together and she was in all but 2 of my classes. I was old enough to know I had to be accountable, but perhaps young enough I hoped to get away with it.

Her face was streaked with the dark smudges of running mascara; she'd been crying.

"You Asshole" She screamed 10 meters away.

Everyone I was with turned and after a quick assessment knew she must have been talking to me. Their collective gaze fell upon me, all with an awkward smirk, not yet sure of the severity of the infraction.

"What is THIS" she pleaded, clinkled face, drastically contorting her soft features.

Holding back a retch, I stood to face my accuser, nay witness. Filled with shame I knew i was cornered.

"Stuffing" I answered "synthetic cotton".

"You violated..." Shit, here it comes "Mr. Mcgoo! I've had that dog since I was a BABY!"

"Stuffed dog" I offered by way of correction. It was after all, in accurate to call it a "dog".

"What happened after I went to sleep you depraved pervert?!" She was angry I could tell, but I couldn't shake the feeling that if she hadn't passed out on her bed as soon as we'd gotten home none of this would have happened.

"I lost control" was all I could muster - I did after all, I just wasn't sure how. After hearing her snoring the last thing I remembered was waking up naked and sticky on the cold tile floor of her decaying bathroom, empty plush carcass of a stuffed dog beneath me. There was synthetic cotton stuffing everywhere.

"I can sew" I offered with a slight desperation in my voice. My eyes must have been closed, or perhaps I was distracted, because I missed the lunge. Before I knew what was happening I was on the ground and being smothered by the shaggy, time-worn skin of Mr. Mcgoo.

I knew then that this relationship was over.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Genre: Fiction
Inspiration: Enlightenment

Gordon had been waiting for "tomorrow" for the better part of seven months now. Not tomorrow, as in the day after today, but "tomorrow"; a concept, or premise that was meant to be the day after "today" but never seemed to materialize. The "tomorrow" Gordon waited for promised more than "today" (which is yesterday's tomorrow), ever managed to deliver.

The tomorrow he waited for was promised seven months ago by a powerful and odorous Psychic; Madam Consuela. Consuela - in addition to a glandular problem which made her smell like a meat locker 4 days after a summer power outage -had powers of insight beyond regular comprehension. She had told Gordon that "tomorrow" would be the day that everything became clear to him - murky rivers of thought would be as clear as mountain springs, gloomy skies of reflection would be upper-atmospheric in their crispness, and cataract obscured logical conflict would be laser corrected to 20/20 hawk-eyedness. Aside from the astute and richly imaged metaphorical prophesy, Gordon's epiphany came from never having realized that he was quite that stupid. He'd only gone to see Madam Consuela because his friend Arnold had told him that her stench exceeded that of any creature (alive, or dead and bloated on steaming asphalt). Experience the stench he did, but he never expected to be enlightened... furthermore, to find that all of this time he'd been crippled by a lack of clarity was icing on the cake.

So Gordon had been waiting with baited breath. Since seeing Consuela he had actually become quite frustrated with the degree of his stupidity and was eager to shake it. Seven months later; today, the day on which he'd payed the very last installment on the prophecy which by sheer coincidence had cost exactly the amount of his life-savings, he was certain that tomorrow was the "tomorrow" he was waiting for.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Farm

$1,000 for the first person to find the chicken in this drawing....

Friday, February 09, 2007


Genre: Fiction
Inspiration: Case study

Jen wasn't a model of consideration. Because of this it wasn't news to her that various people preferred not to spend much time with her, but she blamed them; they were too lazy to make the emotional commitment it took to better themselves in the ways Jen saw necessary. The difficulty was that she wanted to be around them - around anyone. In the company of others, it became abundantly clear to Jen that what others would perceive as failures in her life were entirely out of her control.

For example: last week she had been shopping with Martina - a co-worker that she had befriended and her phone rang while they perused the selection at Town Shoes. While silently judging the awful pumps that Martina was trying on, and secretly hoping that she would buy them so that everyone in the office would see how fat they made her legs look, she snagged the phone from her purse and answered. Answering was a mistake as it turns out - Stephen, who she had been seeing for 4 months had reached the end of his rope that morning when he found a bag of potato chips he'd bought in the garbage, unopened. The call was abrupt and to the point. After learning where to shove her "controlling, ego maniacal self-centeredness" Jen hung up in arrogant disgust but felt slightly warmer as she saw Martina paying for the shoes. It was a small victory considering Martina's choice to browse the upstairs section instead of in the basement had caused Jen cell phone signal to stay in tact and therefore resulted directly in her current emotional distress. She made a note to punish Martina further. If she had been able to avoid the call she was confident that she would have avoided the breakup through careful manipulation of Stephen.

It wasn't the end of the world she convinced herself (again); Stephen was a pig. He had the foundation of a strong and worthy partner but chose to poison his soul with trans-fats and charitable notions. With no patience for those sorts of endeavors - she understood the notions, but execution was never practical as part of a desirable lifestyle - Jen had immediately set out to adjust Stephen's perspectives (as she had done with others many times before). She had begun to suspect over the last few weeks that Stephen's constitution was too weak for her reforms, and that day he had confirmed it for her. Just as well.

Jen had never imagined her future as her present had manifested itself. It was a failing of humanity and community that every potential companion in her midst fell so drastically short of her exacting standards. There was no question of reasonableness; as a successful, beautiful, well adjusted psychologist of 47 she knew she was better qualified to judge.

Monday, January 29, 2007


Genre: Fiction
Inspiration: Kitchen sink

In a blinding flash it came to me. Literally blinding, as I felt myself wincing at the world around me struggling to stay upright. It was what had become my darkest day - one for the ages upon which I could reflect in my old age and remember how truly dark my origins had once been. It wasn't a rebirth, just a shitty day and it's a matter of personal disposition that my lowest points become yet another beginning. After all, were I to consider a mid-point, or perhaps even a mid to high point a beginning then I'd just be giving my experiences too much credit and ignoring the gut-wrenching value of emotional destitution.

This epiphany was a simple one and yet probably my most profound: the strongest bond I felt in my life, at the fragile and emotionally incontinent state that I knew as the age of 48, was to my dish rag. I hadn't stopped to think about it often enough I guess but in upon reflection I realized instantaneously that it was my centre. Close not because of sentiment, though it was knitted by my mother, but because of its longevity and reliability. It was a hideous, odorous, utilitarian, practical and ultimately disposable accessory that provided a familiarity in my life unlike anything I knew at that time or had recently experienced.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Snow day

Perhaps I was too hasty below in judging the weather. I'm actually a big fan of snow - it would be nice if it was more fluffy, but beggars can't be choosers and in a year that's seeing the effects of global warming, El Nino and myriad other frenetic scourges we seem lucky to see vestiges of wintery comfort at all. So I'll make the most of it.

Monday, January 15, 2007


On the first snowy day of Toronto winter, I'm finding myself looking forward fondly to warmer days.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Tuner

Genre: Gaudy fiction
Inspiration: The word "fork"

The tines of the tuning fork rang in the air, piercing the smoke filled room; a sonic aurora. Stanley felt the bead of sweat threatening to fall from the ledge of his brow into his eye but he dared not move too abruptly. It must have been forty degrees in there... that coupled with the odd darkness and the cigarette smoke dancing in the few sunbeams disecting the giant room gave it a feeling of a seedy, burlesque lounge. The velvet accents and gaudy crystal that vomited across the marble floor only accentuated the uncomfortable feeling that he had travelled into a different dimension; perhaps changed forever by a cultural revolution led by Liberace.

From the corner of his eye he saw her watching. Cigarette holder in hand, her fuscia silken slip flowed across her leather arms and legs. Like a tanned hide flapping in a windy shed, the backs of her appendages swayed fluidly as she adjusted her awkward and disturbing position on the love seat 30 ft away. This was not the first time Stanley had tuned this piano.

Margaret was rich. Too rich. And she was lonely - not because she lacked the reassurance of constant companionship, she hated people - but because she had not felt subject to the lusty testosterone fueled desperation of men that she was at one time unable to escape. She often thought to herself that this was the curse of old age: to have spent so many long and irresistible years on earth subjecting men to her infallible perfection that clearly, they had grown immune. Tirelessly she vowed to search the earth for the genetic anomaly that had been spared the fate which in her mind was worse than death - an inability to recognize womanly perfection. Stanley was being tested - he had been here before and had shown a glimmer of desperate need that she knew she could incite.

Stanley had no idea that he'd projected such strong signals while tuning the same piano 5 weeks earlier. The room that day had been hotter (if that was even possible) and despite an ominous creepiness emanating from Margret's disturbing perch surpassing what he was now enduring, he was unable to resist the need to ask for some water. Margaret knew immediately that his intention was to have her rise and to watch from behind as she walked to the kitchen. It disgusted her in a way that she had been craving for 27 years.

The sweat on his brow was now threatening Stanley the same dire sentence so he tried to move as little as possible. He wasn't sure what had him back here in only 5 weeks, but he was going to do anything to avoid returning again. The tears he saw forming in the wrinkled corners of Margaret's eyes as he declined to stay for dinner then conveyed the kind of desperation he was only too familiar with.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Country Road

"I guess my feet know where they want me to go... Walking on a country road"


Is this odd?

I was thinking the other night as I went through the motions of settling into bed, that I have for many years of my life, almost subconciously, very often asked myself the same question as I settle in to sleep. I nestle under the covers, position myself as I would imagine myself able to fall asleep according to overall comfort and think to myself:

"If I were to be put in a state of artificial hibernation for many years for the purpose of travelling through space, and through some unknown freak of scientific flaw could feel either comfortable or uncomfortable during that time (assuming I was unable to move), would the position that I am now in be a good one?"

Its interesting how the prospect of feeling them for years unending highlights small discomforts in a way that might otherwise go unnoticed for a longer period of time.

Sunday, December 24, 2006


Genre: Holiday fiction
Inspiration: Seasonal

Eggnog makes Stephen vomit so he passed on that particular offering. Wondering to himself why anyone still serves it, he surveyed the foreign room looking for someone who he could feign interest in so that he didn't look so conspicuous alone at the snack table eating cheddar cubes.

His wife was heavily engaged in a conversation with her boss' boss and some other woman who looked both angry and suspicious. He felt as if he went over and was introduced the woman would ask him direct and probing questions all building towards a crushing crescendo of defeat once she discovered he was a roofer. It wasn't easy for Stephen to be married to a lawyer - rewarding yes - but at holiday season, when overachievers gathered to celebrate their resounding financial successes and skirt family discussion (invariably to hide divorces, loveless marriages and other varied domestic disasters) they were at their most self-congratulatory. It was not a good time to be a roofer married to a lawyer.

That wasn't exactly true - Stephen booked at least a month of his year at this party. 3 days after bonus time people were feeling both drunk and charitable, and there was nothing like a trades person to evoke the most gut wrenching and uncomfortable of reactions from white collars.

"Ohhh. that's great - I could never handle those heights... I'm so impressed! In fact I was just saying to (insert wife's/husband's name here) the other day that we need to get our roof done... what a coincidence! how is your May looking?"

Stephen always followed up and always booked the work at 130% of his regular un-discounted rate. It was a petty and deeply satisfying penance that he made his wife's colleagues pay - It almost made up for the fact that the only thing Cramer, Snider & Berriman offered to drink besides wine (no roofer he knew drank wine) was eggnog.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Wow. Just wow.

Genre: Dream
Inspiration: Dream

I considered not recording this dream because of how messed up it seems but then I decided that I could not be an honest raconteur without full disclosure...

I was a woman... Although I had not had a sex change operation something had happened against my will, overnight, that had caused me to become a tall, skinny woman with dark skin (black or Indian perhaps). My hair was jet black and very large and curly. I knew very well that I had been myself only hours before and was having a very difficult time understanding how I could possibly manage my life as this new person - work, marriage, friends. To add insult to injury I was also heavily "adjusted" (for lack of a better term) - collagen lips, hideously taught skin, and worst of all was missing my shanks altogether. From just below my ribs to my hips, on each side of my spine was a large empty space with dry sinew and bone protruding, as if a shark had taken a bite out of each side. My impression is that this was done as part of whatever procedure had turned me into this monster.

I remember desperately wishing that this was a dream, but a few days had already passed in my dream and therefore I was sure I had to somehow live like this. I broke down talking to my wife in the kitchen of a house I lived in over 8 years ago - to be honest I am not sure whether it was because I was a tall black woman, an ugly woman, or a tall ugly woman with holes in my sides. Maybe all of the above.

Somehow my mother appeared (probably because the kitchen we were in was in my parents old house) and she began to laugh nonchalantly at my predicament - she was sure this could be fixed and that actually made me feel better. I awoke just as I was being examined by a doctor on the kitchen counter - he was poking and prodding in my "side-holes" and just then I thought that even if I could somehow be reverted back to myself, I would really miss having a full set of back muscles (due to the side holes having removed a whole range of motion) because there are a lot of things I use them for. At that moment I woke up with a slightly sore back.

The feeling of relief and satisfaction of realizing that a bad dream was just a dream - especially after you've talked yourself out of it having been a dream - in incredible. Even more so when you get to role over in the comfort of your bed and go back to sleep. Incredible contentment.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Shades of booger

Is there an English word that rhymes with booger?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Plane weird

Genre: Dream
Inspiration: See above

I'm flying with a group of people in a large plane, like a 777 perhaps - but the inside of the plane is more like a lounge - Comfortably appointed with earthy tones and large windows. I am somehow familiar with the group including the pilot (or co-pilot) and my memory begins with us joking around. He had said something poking fun of me and I returned the ribbing by pointing out that the plane had somehow come to a stop - "We're not even flying" I said. We hadn't exactly landed because we had litteraly come to a stop mid flight, but we were set on the ground. There was nothing abrupt about the "landing" and it seemed to be normal except for the fact that we all wanted to get where we were going. As I poked fun at him I looked out the window - I remember the view was the middle floors of an office tower about 30 ft from the plane. I seem to know that we had come to a rest on the belly of the plane on the edge of a large drop - perhaps on top of a building, or some other similar struture. Very soon after pointing out that we were stopped the plane started to fly again taking off from the precipice not vertically, but also not with any acceleration on the ground - it was flown by the other co-pilot (the one I was talking to was in the loungy area with us).

Immediately my view switched to first person from the perspective of the nose of the plane. I remember watching and talking to someone who I knew was beside me (perhaps in the cockpit?) but I have no recollection who. The plane's engines roared as they pushed the large plane very slowly through the air - perhaps 30 or 40 kms per hr. Ahead of the plane was a very steep hill rising in front of the nose covered with typical urban features - a gas station, telephone poles, roads... we were perhaps 20 ft off the ground as we climbed steeply to surmount the hill. The plane was barely fitting between the poles and signs that stuck up above the streets, and I remember as it tilted sideways on its horizontal axis to fit between the streetlights. I lauded the pilots skill at that point. Where the plane lifted off from its perch the bottom of the hill was comprised of a busy street below with a large, more open area on the hillside facing us. There were taller buildings on either side of us but were flanking us by about 100 ft on either side. As the hill progressed to the top though, space between the buildings on either side narrowed as the streets formed a triangle. As we approached the top of the hill I remember avoiding an abnormally large and off-kilter train to our left, a few very out of place and abnormally small Russian cargo planes parked in the bank of the hill to our right, and flying towards a very large and strange scaffold/structure directly ahead of us. The structure looked most like an extremely large, dock yard crane - the type that unloads cargo ships - in that it was steel and laticed, except that it was enormous.

We flew into the structure still going 30 or 40 and the next thing I remember is as follows: We had landed, again on the belly of the plane. The ground beneath me was white and icy and slick aluminum. Somehow I knew that we had landed on top of a much larger plane that was now moving through the air - I knew because of the ice, wind and the height that I had to be careful. I was still with all my companions (perhaps 4 or 5). The strange thing was that the top of the plane I was on was not really the top of anything, it was just a surface and it didn't really seem like a plane - around us bolted to the icy white aluminum below foot was the huge abutments of the steel latice that was at the top of the hill. Somehow I was on something that was a combination of the Russian cargo planes I saw and the giant crane like structure. I know we had landed there for a reason - though there was no panic in the dream, landing there was somehow saving us from real danger (perhaps running out of fuel or something similar). The plane we had flown there in was beside us - it was covered in ice and was also abnormally small - maybe 50 ft long. To get out of the cold, and into a comfortable environment for the duration of the trip we decided to get into our plane which it turns out was perched near the edge of the structure we were on. To get in, someone climed on the top of our plane simply by straddling it and lifted up a hatch at the very front which was located where it's windows were. Half the front of the plane lifted to let us in. Two people who were also going to get in stepped too near the edge of our plane and nearly fell off both planes altogether - I was not particularly concerned because I just wanted to get in... end.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Shackle Debacle ( <-- wow, that's a rotten title)

Genre: Urban Curiosity
Inspiration: The word "shackles"

The shackles clanged around the lanky wrists like miniature bells linked one upon another hanging loosly from a steeple at the end of a human arm; a pious human arm.

"WHAKish" A whip cracked across his broad back cutting a long tendril of crimson blood accross the broad shoulders. He muttered in fatigued agony.

"Thou hast forsaken the Queen for the last time and thine time to expire doth hitherto forbode your continued comfortable existence" growled his formidable keeper from behind the armour of hard leather.

He uttered but a squeek of acknowledgement as beads of hot sweat poured from his brow through his bloodshot eyes and over his parched lips, and without being able to verbalize it he thought to himself: "huh?"

"I hath but to club thine head with this bat to end your pathetic burp of a life scoundrel, and shall in the next minute decide wheather though hast earned a right to breath, or foregone thoust..ed... thine? thoust... hmmm."

Her stumbling gave John a moment to reflect on the fact that he was shackled on his stomach with his hands behind his back, naked save for a loin cloth in the backyard of a women who he had met only 3 hours earlier. The fact that he was immediately repulsed by her girth hardly seemed important now - he had invested a good 2 hours in getting laid (making small talk, paying for dinner, home made ice cream at the gourmet shop) before she had tied him up and thrown him down the stairs at her house. Damned though if he wasn't going to see this one through - it seemed to him that as her whiping became more tender, she might be close to touching him something that didn't sting like the fire of a thousand suns; it had been ages since John had been with a woman. Even if she was 320 lbs (he approximated by sight but he was pretty good at that being a vegan nutritionist and all), John owed it to Mary to see this date through. Mary was a sweetheart waitress at John's favourite restaurant and surprisingly attractive for a lesbian ex-con with legs of uneven length; all things John discovered after an unsuccessful bid for a date. He spat out a mouthful of grass as he redoubled his effort to crawl to the end of the lawn where Gertrude - his "master" - was going to tie him to the roof of her car for a drive around the block. He knew for certain scraping his knees over the sidewalk that this was the last time he would accepted a blind date with a cute waitresse's parole officer.

Switching it up

Genre: Dream
Inspiration: Memory

Last night was fun! Despite having had my treasured motorcycle stolen I was quick to head to the shop to replace it. Strangely the shop was familiar to me and nothing seemed odd, however recalling now it was a small room, dimly lit like a shed and scattered with various motorcycles and small machines. It was like a very cluttered childs playroom flush with power machinery. The sales person was familiar to me as the guy who I bought my actual motorcycle from. The odd thing was that I chose a very fancy sport bike - something out of character for me being both frugal and practical with expenses. I know exactly what the motorbike in my dream was meant to be (subject to the design liberties that my sleeping brain took) and yet even in my dream i had no idea what its actual name of the bike was 9omething I'd probably know if I had just spent $15,000. Regardless, I believe it was a Ducati 998 something or other... I brought the bike home and sheepishly showed it to my wife knowing that she'd be unhappy at me having bought a sport bike - she was none too pleased. In contrast, my friend who also rides was thrilled - I even remember how good the machine looked in my dream. It had none of the fuzzy edges and blurred details characteristic of dreaming - it was shiny, beautifully defined and exquisidely rendered. The fun part came when I got to ride it. I remember the trepidation I felt getting onto a very powerful sport bike. there's always a vulnerability to riding but the feeling was exascerbated on this machine and I remember being very cautious as I pulled onto a strange street didn't recognize. The street itself looked like a movie set, or perhaps an indoor streetscape like in a mall or museum. The road itself was narrow and it's undulations exaggerated. the store fronts on either side were comically shrunk and absurdly close to the street. I get the impression that there was a roof high above darkened to be unnoticable to those below. The ride was brief but fun, especially since my bike has been in storage for over a month now.

The kicker throughout this whole dream is that I was deeply regrettful of having not bought the same motorbike as I currently have (the one stolen in my dream). Part of it was because I have a lot of accessories for it, another part is that I am very familiar with its feel and that it is a reasonable engine size for what I need, and finally simply because I love my bike. This is the second time I've lamented the loss of this bike in a dream - in the first I traded it with a friend fro theirs of a totally different style. I woke up missing my bike a lot but quite pleased that i'm still in possession of the one that I missed so dearly in my sleep. End.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Milk Plasma

Genre: Dream
Inspiration: My cup of coffee

I was lamenting last night that it had been a while since I last remembered a dream in any detail, especially since I now have a convenient place to record them.

I woke up again today with no recollection whatsoever of any dreams last night. To my surprise however, sipping my coffee this morning something came back to me in a flash. My coffee had a disturbing dairy based film skimming the surface which made me think twice about ingestion. Of course, being deperate for the caffeine and sensing no imminent danger down the hatch it went.

Sure enough, as I did that a snippet came to me in a flash. I had removed from the refrigerator a plastic jug of milk - strange because you don't typically find these in Canada - also strange, because I never drink milk by itself. I swigged from the jug and noticed a strange taste. Sure enough, raising the jug to eye level I saw that the milk had seperated - yellow ooze on top, cream currdled on the bottom. I had just sipped the fowel yellow "plasma" of milk. I spat it out in the sink. End.


I'm not sure I meant to cross his eyes - there's certainly something a little creepy and yet disarming about it...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Genre: Reflection; non-fiction
Inspiration: Epiphany

Last night while getting ready for bed I suddenly thought of bubbles. Soap bubbles to be specific, and I immediately thought that they'd make a great candidate for some kind of writing. Almost instantaneously the thought "least harmful thing in the world" came into my mind. As I thought about how to incorporate that idea into some sort of fiction about bubbles I challenged myself to think about whether bubbles really are the least harmful thing in the world. After all, if I am putting my credibility on the line for the sake of bubbles I'd want to ensure that I'm properly reflecting my opinions and not just capitalizing on a niftly idea. Plus, I hadn't really approached the problem "what is the least harmful thing in the world"...

Many things popped into my head immediately and seemed to be based on a few, logical criteria: small, soft, clean, not unattractive, free... and as I started to thing about those things that might embody some of these characteristics I realized that none fit the complete list. Dust is filthy, snow is very cold, water droplets dissolve dirt and aid oxidation, sand causes chaffing, animal hair bunches and balls and collects dust - the list goes on.

I'm not sure that if someone had asked to identify the least harmful thing in the world I'd actually have the clarity of analysis to come up with bubbles either. I was actually quite stunned that I had so effectively and immediately diagnosed the nature of soap bubbles, and I do believe that they are actually, literally the least harmful thing in the world. How's that for epiphany?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

More dreaming

Genre: Dream
Inspiration: See above

An unusual treat last night - a mid-week dream memory. I actually remembered quite a lot after my alarm first went off and was looking forward to recording it but then, after snoozing for 10 minutes woke up with only a fraction.

Snippet 1: walking through a hotel - I remember knowing that it was a Sheraton - I was walking past the elevators which were on my right. I was on an upper floor and to my left was an open atrium over a railing rather than a closed hallway. It wasn't a new hotel but wasn't out of date either... gold trim, reds and greens in the carpet. I remember intending to pass the two elevator doors as I walked but as I looked to my right I saw that the elevator was in fact huge. It was a trapezoidal shape with a carpet exactly like the hallway and appointed as if it was a room in and of itself. Easily 10 ft deep and 7 or 8 ft across at it's widest it contained a sofa or two, a table and plants; even windows. The really intriguing thing was that it itself had its own elevator doors along the right hand wall - 2 of them... It was as if the elevator gave way to it's own elevator vestibule. I did a double take and went in. there were other people in there and if I remember correctly it started to move just after I entered. That in particular gave me a great sense of satisfaction as if proving itself as a lifting mechanism.

Snippet 2: A large store. It was for all intents and purposes a fancy corner store, perhaps a very modern, small grocery store. It was very large, very white and contained a lot of various racks in an unorganized yet very ordered layout. The first part of the dream had me paying at the register which was a large island in the middle of the store. The cashier greeted me and gave me roughly $6 which someone had left there. I couldn't figure out why the cashier was giving it to me but said that neither he nor his colleague were able to keep over payments or spare cash. I was very surprised at his honesty. Free money was a super feeling. I ordered what I thought was 2 beers - one Cafferey's on tap and something else in a bottle. I remember thinking twice about the Cafferey's wondering if it was something I was familiar with. As it turns out it was in a can and as I opened it it frothed with extraordinarily thick and disgusting tomato-soup like gel. naturally I threw it out. The other bottled beer turned out to be more like a tonic. Sometime during this particular discovery another person joined me at a standing table in the shop. Distracted by the tomato gel beer, I didn't notice that the store had closed. To my surprise I and my companion (no idea who) were still in the shop, and I think due to my disappointing tomato gel, started to look for something else (despite the tonic). All the racks were wide open and there were strange drinks on each (at the time I remember thinking they were European - but not foreign, leading me to believe I was in Europe, or at the least in a European shop). My companion, who I think was a character from a recent movie I watched (American Pie - Naked Mile... I'm ashamed to say I watched it, though in my defense it didn't cost anything) stole from a secured rack a plastic bottle of cola - not Coke, perhaps a generic or European brand... End.

Monday, December 04, 2006

The one I've been waiting for

It's been 3 years of heavy bandwidth and mediocre content but finally, the long wait is over. This is the video I've been waiting to see on YouTube...

Absurdity, humour, irony and passion. It's got it all.


Bloody dreams

Genre: Dream
Inspiration: See above

The snippet of dream I remember is as follows:

In an infirmary, or perhaps hospital - it's a large room with multiple beds and various equipment throughout. I'm sitting on a chair or bed waiting to get a shot; something innocuous like a flu shot. I think I'm with someone else who just got a shot as well.

The nurse comes over quickly and pierces the inside of my arm just above the crease of my elbow. Something strange happens and it seem to pierce through the other side, or perhaps just misses the mark and my arm starts to spew blood. It doesn't hurt but it's very messy and I'm slightly frustrated that she's ruined a very nice shirt - I get the sense at this point that somehow I thought this was going to happen and that I was resistant to get a shot for fear of a fancy new shirt being ruined. For her part the nurse is standoffish and visibly frustrated to have to redo the shot. She performs a second flawlessly. End.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Free world...

Genre: Reflection, non-fiction
Inspiration: The whole Frakin' world

Apparently there are 192 countries in the world. Reading this I wondered to myself how many I'd be able to come up with given as much time as needed... a familiar scenario that I tend to apply most personal challenges to rang in my head:

If I was kidnapped by a sinister individual (or organization), and my release depended solely on my ability to list all 192 countries of the world could I win my release?

It struck me that I could try listing the countries that come to my mind but that would make for a superbly boring and futile exercise; instead I've decided to look at trusty Google Maps and find at least a few that I'd never remember to list:


this list certainly isn't exhaustive, and if it was would just serve as a reminder of how ignorant I really am. The important thing is that I now know - I'd be locked up forever. Sucky.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The bad witch

Genre: Wickan reflection
Inspiration: Unskilled labour

Selena was an awful witch. Not "bad" in the classical sense - she'd had an aunt who would willingly and without remorse of any kind permanently transform small children into forest critters; She was just really poor at being a witch. Factors beyond her control made her inordinately compassionate for instance... compassion as every witch knew was the downfall of even the most talented spell-caster. As an example, she'd once made a new years resolution to fill every house on a city block knee-high with filthy dust, but upon reflection decided that no one in the vicinity could possibly have that many vacuum cleaner bags at their disposal. Also, she wasn't particularly articulate having had a mumbling problem since childhood. The art in a spell after all is not simply in intention, but as it turns out, involves a hefty component of elocution. An unfortunate lazy tongue had just two months earlier caused her to falter on a spell intended to lite a fire in her hearth and instead, fired a ballistic missile from a major nuclear installation in Siberia. Her only saving grace was that in 1973, a Russian officer with a sense of humour had aimed the missile squarely at a small Atol in the Pacific which had, only 6 months ago lost favour with all western nations by decreeing their sole proprietorship of Antarctica and demanded from the UN compensation for all past explorations - the coincidence seemed divine, and no one in particular missed the 37 inhabitants of Rutitonga.

While many in the Wiccan community considered depression the debilitating affliction of mere mortals, Selena knew better. Too ashamed to see a speech therapist, and too sensitive for the requisite infliction of torment on mortals, she turned her complete attentions to conjuring up a generic cauldron of Zoloft to tide her over until her miserable demise, just 837 years hence (if the most recent statistics issued by the Ministry of Witchdom were to be believed). The gruelling process, of re-engineering the formula was tedious, due in large part to a complete lack of direction from her ancestors or peers; the fact that the big drug companies didn't publish their formulas was a source of further depression. Cursing the "Women in Witching Labourers Union" for their 1856 withdrawal of witch drug benefits, she continued to experiment with the various ingredients she knew to be integral components of all Pfizer drugs - Squirrels intestine, Dragon Sperm, Fish knuckle etc...

The irony of her efforts was that in her success she found destitution. For the brief but blissful 47 hours that she was able to enjoy her generic Zoloft (as it turns out it was almost 100% Dragon Sperm with a only a dab of Zippo lighter fluid) she was truly happy, but it was short lived. The lawsuit Pfizer unleashed was worse than the fire and brimstone she was capable of conjuring (but to kind to do so) and her life possessions were stripped from her. With no broom, no cauldron and no hearth for cooking To-child-ofu (her Tofu substitute for small children) she was destitute - aimlessly walking the hills and dales in desperate longing for the day that generic dragon sperm would flood the shelves at the local witch cooperative.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Cyclops Midgets Unite

This is by far the most meaningful of all my doodle masterpieces. I hope to be remembered for each pen stroke on this page - particularly those comprising the weight lifting cyclops midget.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


Strange. I'm feeling plugged up with thought and am sort of itching to write something that will interest me but seem to have no capacity to carry anything worthwhile through... Here's a false start that I wrote based on a premise that my brain completely hijacked - I can't possibly recover it so all that ends up here is a sorry, impossible snippet of disjointed writing - can YOU finish it?

"Pandir Rathmathenalasmican was ecstatic; lining up at the ministry of transportation marked for him the culmination of a long and arduous journey through the Canadian vehicle licensing process. Not that the process itself was particularly cumbersome – Pandir was a truly terrible driver. Seven tests, 3 traffic convictions and countless parking violations had led him to this point – the day he was to license his 1987 Toyota Tercel. When he arrived at the counter Pandir was ready to treat himself and cash in hand, requested the vanity plate he had always dreamed of: HNDILVR. To his shock and dismay the (particularly surly) woman behind the counter informed him that the plate was not available....."

That's it. Seriously. I've got nothing else on this one.